Tour de Spew

Cono Sur Pinot Noir 2007
Cab, cab, cab, cab. I’m tried of nothing but cabs. Mrs. Dan be damned. I found a local source of Cono Sur wines so I decided to try a different varietal to see if they are consistently good. The Tour de France is pedaling toward the finish on Sunday so I thought I decided a bike-themed label was still a deciding factor on what to buy. I infrequently drink Pinot Noir and Mrs. Dan has never expressed a desire to purchase any. I had a choice of Merlot–which I probably over drink,Chardonnay–which I might try later when visiting my mother-in-law, and the Pinot Noir. They didn’t have the Carmenere shown on their website so I decided on the Pinot.

So I opened it before Mrs. Dan came home. It was time to watch the replay of today’s mountain stage up Mont Vendoux. I wanted to get a head start so I could describe how much I like a non-Cab before she distracted me. Plus I wanted to welcome her home with a wine smugness that I had picked a great wine that wasn’t a cab.

My first taste reminding me of a Gahan Wilson cartoon in Playboy (back when I could read such stuff) where the waiter was standing in front of a customer and his face was scrunched all up like a Picasso painting and the customer was saying “I told you the wine was bad.” It was so tart that my nose touched the back of my head. I couldn’t enjoy it. The acidity was way too high. Mrs. Dan came home and took a si[ out of my glass. Her face kinda contorted. “A bit tart wouldn’t you say.” No poop, Sherlock.

I tried another sip to figure out what was wrong with when it I had a moment of déjà vu. A couple of years ago I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my buddy Brett. I had a bit too much wasabi on some sushi and took a swing of water to calm it down. Brett had just asked me how my mother was and thought he had asked an uncomfortable question because I got this horrified look on my face. The wasabi hit the gag reflex at the back of my throat about the time the water did. I tried to hold my mouth shut but it just seemed to worsen things. Kinda like restricting the end of a water hose. You can cover a lot of territory that way. Well my water hose of a mouth covered Brett and the wall behind him. The redneck sitting in the next table was a bit put off. I’m not sure if he got sprayed or not. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Mrs. Dan was trying to get a present ready for a birthday party when this tart Pinot Noir hit the back of my throat. A sudden burst of red spray covered the center island of our kitchen. Mrs. Dan was part of the collateral damage. I spent some time cleaning up the little speckles of red on the Target bags and pretty much everything else.

I have now poured the rest of this wine down the drain because I couldn’t risk another eruption. The taste was all acid and alcohol. If there was some fruit in there I don’t know what it tasted like. Maybe Publix is leaving their wines out on a hot loading dock before they put them on the shelf. I was very disappointed after enjoying the Cono Sur Cabernet so much.

Lance Armstrong had a pretty good day pedaling up Mount Vendoux, ensuring that he would be on the podium Sunday to receive third place. I’m just sorry that I was distracted from watching a great ride with cleaning up little speckles of Pinot Noir from around the kitchen.

Yes dear. I will buy Cabernet Sauvignon next time.
From: Chile
Winery: Cono Sur
Cost: $9.49
Stopper: Screw Cap

Score: 1 Cork
Dan’s Rating System:

1 Cork: Pour it down the drain before you spray the little white dog.
2 Corks: Accept the fact you paid less than $10 and you get what you paid for.
3 Corks: Rejoice that a great wine can be had for under $10.

3 Responses to “Tour de Spew”

1. Rudy Nyhoff says:

   July 25, 2009 at 10:27 pm

   Nice piece Dan D. You “uncorked” a few chuckles from this budding, thanks to yours and Dennis’ web site, oenophile. A knack for word smithing and image making are definitely in your portfolio of skills.

   Got a few comments on my beer-tasting pic that I re-posted on FB. Thanks for the publicity.

   -rudy
2. Brett Bohannon says:

   August 12, 2009 at 11:15 pm

   I feel for Mrs Dan! I think tart wine might be worse than wasabi water! Life lesson learned … never sit directly across from a cheap bastard!
3. Dick salter says:

   August 14, 2009 at 3:55 pm

   Brett was working on the monkey as I was reading this out loud to him. Thought he was gonna choke when I got to the description. Was fun to find out that this was not a literary concoction!